Even When My Walls Are Shaking

IMG_4885 Ever since my car accident 2 1/2 years ago, my brain injury has severely impaired my vision…As my body continued to deteriorate I found out that  I had POTS and Lyme Disease -both of which can also impair your vision. SO I have a triple whammy.

Often I close my eyes and try to remember what my eyes saw before these setbacks. I open my eyes and remind myself that the world does not look like what I see through my vision.

Right now the door in front of me looks like it is shaking- it is vibrating and it looks like is moving to the right. The wall next to it is also shaking badly. It often looks like it is coming towards me and then it changes directions and starts moving away from me or from side to side. I look at the mirror and it is shaking, and everything the mirror is reflecting is also moving and vibrating and shaking. I look at my bed cover on top of me and I get double vision looking at it. I try real hard to focus but I often can’t control my focus.

As I write this article my eyes are closed and my computer screen is half shut-just enough for my fingers to have room to type. It is too hard for me to look at a computer screen without getting horrible headaches and blurred vision. For the last 3 days I have been placing my hand flat on the wall. I look at the wall vibrating and shaking and remember that in reality the wall is NOT shaking. Sometimes I forget because that’s all I’ve seen 24/7 for over 2 years!! I close my eyes with my hand on the wall and tell myself over and over, “The wall  is NOT shaking. The wall is NOT actually shaking”. I close my eyes and try to remember what the wall would look like if it was “not” moving because in reality it is NOT moving. I haven’t seen any object, wall, or anything in my vision be “still” for over 2 years.

I miss the stability of looking at the floor and it not looking like it is moving in weird abstract ways. I thought if I put my hand on the wall I would “feel” that the wall is still. The problem is that my hand doesn’t feel still…. it makes it feel like it is moving in an abstract direction… so that didn’t work or help me remember :-/.

I think that often in life we feel like our world has been shaken. Something goes wrong, a terrible unexpected trial hits, our dreams crash down and we feel stuck in a world that is shaken. But maybe this is only our perception of what is going on. We cannot see the future, we cannot see how this trial is going to be used, or how it will grow us, or how it will get us to where we need to be on our journey of life. So instead we think everything has fallen apart. Maybe we need to close our eyes and ask God to remind us and teach us the truth – that our world is not being shaken.

God always knew from the day we were born what our past, future, and present would look like. He knew how each day would play out. He knew when things would go wrong, and He made a plan on how HE would USE those trials to make something beautiful- if we let Him. Your present may not look like what you had planned. Your future may not look like what you had planned. But your present and future have not actually been “shaken.” They happened in the way they always were going to happen. You just didn’t know it. Your perception has been shaken.

3 years ago I was entering my senior year of college, and I had just started a career job for a great company. I was also volunteering in a Psychology lab and was getting ready to apply to graduate school. I planned on getting my PhD in Psychology in counseling . I had a huge heart for the youth around the world. Once I graduated I planned on using my degree to start “teen centers” that would help teenagers find God, find purpose in life, and would help them get a job, get scholarships etc. I wanted to inspire them and give them a chance, give them hope. But that dream came crashing down when I got in a car accident that gave me a severe brain injury.I had so many symptoms!! I ended up dropping out of school, losing my job, and moving back in with my parents.

A year later my body had reeeeaaaallly  deteriorated. I had severe pain, constant nausea, dizziness sickness, weakness etc. I started losing control of all my limbs and soon I had to be carried to the bathroom. The doctors realized something besides the brain injury was going on and they started testing for different diseases. Every test came back negative until finally I was tested for and diagnosed with Chronic Lyme disease and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS).

I was on a waiting list for six months before I went into a specialized clinic for IV antibiotics and other treatment. I am no longer doing IVs.  I am at home in bed, but am still undergoing treatment. I’ve made progress but still have a long way to go. My world was “shaken” and turned upside down…. or so my perception thought. But God knew from day one, when I was born that this would happen to me.

Let me clarify that I DO NOT think God caused this to happen to me. But He knew it was going to and He had a plan on how He would use it. On how He could make my dreams come true despite my circumstances. He has also given me new dreams. I started this blog because I wanted people not just to see my trial, but to see God’s faithfulness through my trial. It’s been a year and a half and I’ve had around ten thousand hits and numerous messages and many people contacting me telling me of  their trials and how they relate. They tell me God has used this blog to help them, to inspire them, to give them hope…….. WAIT… wasn’t my dream to start “teen centers” so I could “help them, inspire them, and give them hope”????!! And now God took that desire of my heart and is making that dream come true through an unexpected way… Wow, just the thought of that blows me away and makes me see that my world has not been shaken. Maybe I have been shaken. But my world and future hasn’t…just like my vision sees the walls around me shaking, I saw my dreams being shaken.

Yes, I would rather not be in bed, unable to stand, in constant pain. I would rather be healthy, up and about and inspiring people. But maybe this plan is better. I know I’m growing a lot more spiritually being flat on my back than when I was busy up and about. And the lessons I am learning are what I am sharing with you.  I don’t have all these lessons down. But I am learning and growing and being vulnerable with you guys. I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know what trials and hardships you are facing. But I DO KNOW that your present and future have not been shaken even though YOU might SEE it that way. God always knew these things would happen and it didn’t shake Him or His plan for you. He has a plan on how He will use your hardships. Even if the only thing that comes from it is you getting closer to the Lord, well then that is the best thing you could gain. That relationship with God is the single most important thing in life and is the one thing we can take to heaven with us.

So I encourage you wherever you are not to lose hope or to give up because it feels and looks like your “walls are being shaken” they aren’t. They are in the palm of God’s hand, which is the most stable place for them to be. If you ever need prayer or someone to share with, feel free to message me at: rachelsradicalroad@gmail.com   I often take a long time to respond because I’m so sick it’s rare I get online and my mom has to read your messages to me. But I will try to get back to you and I will pray for you in the mean-time. God Bless!!

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8 Responses to Even When My Walls Are Shaking

  1. Aunt Tammy says:

    my heart often hurts for you my sweet Rachel but more than the hurt is HOPE for healing. I love you so much, you are a strong women and I am thankful for all you give to those of us around you!!!

  2. Grandma and grandpa Marcyes says:

    Love you very much. We learn so much from our trials and you are bearing yours extremely well! The Lord must be very pleased with you. Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Grandma and Grandpa Marcyes

  3. mbyutzy says:

    I know the Lord is using you – even though you are flat on your back. Thank you for your encouraging words. We keep praying for you. We love you!

  4. Julie Peterson says:

    Sweet Rachel, I so look forward to reading your posts, they are so mature and though provoking. I did share your blog with a gal who has recently gone through a miscarriage and I shared the part about God doesn’t think your world has been shaken, he knew all along – and growing closer to him through the trial is an amazing benefit. Your amazing and divinely inspired words and perseverance are a testament to your strong faith! We love you! And God loves you more!

  5. psalmsheb says:

    You are so far beyond every and anyone I know it’s like you’re in a different reality. I stand in awe, weep with compassion and tremble at the knowledge of His hand so obviously upon you. I love you so much cindy

  6. Kirk says:

    Rachel, it just breaks my heart to hear about your persistent agony. But the inspiration you provide us all is amazing. I wish we knew God’s entire plan for this trial of yours, but He is definitely using you positively to touch so many more through this than might have been the case without it. A miraculous recovery may well be part of the plan – one so unbelievable it will bring God glory as the only way it could have played out. I just got back from my annual trip to India last week, and while there I prayed for you as I explained your plight to John Peter. I told him of your incredible attitude and inspiration, and of all those you have comforted. Your Heavenly crown will be too big for any of the rest of us to hope to support! I look forward to the next time we can visit you. Love you!

  7. Lynda says:

    Rachel I just read your blog. What a strong women you are. It made me think of the disciple John and how much he loved Jesus. Yet he suffered much but never strayed from Jesus. He was boiled in oil yet he lived and praised God to the very end. At the end of his life, I have been told, when asked to speak all he would say is “love one another” and sit down. We make life so complicated. From a worldly view we tend to think that God’s love is shown by a blessed easy life. But Gods ways are not our ways. The apostle Paul counted it a blessing to suffer for Jesus.
    You certainly are suffering much. I am amazed at your strength and your love for Jesus. I am sure your story is touching many young lives as they witness your incredible strength and love for your Lord. You are an encouragement to me and a reminder to “keep it simple” because it is ALL about Jesus. I will be praying for you Rachel and that your vision would stop shaking.
    I pray that Gods joy will fill you and His peace to envelope you.

  8. Pingback: Scrambled Brains – S. W. Krull Imaging

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