Why why why?!   IMG_20180313_130539550
Why is it that when things start to come together something else in your life falls apart??!! You work so hard to make progress and then the rug is ripped out under your feet!! You’re flat on your back looking up and saying “why me, why this, why now??!”

Today I went to see a new doctor regarding my Chronic Lyme Disease. Seeing doctors often, is a part of my life as a chronically ill person. Today my mom(who is my full-time caretaker and nurse) and I were going over what I needed to talk to the doctor about. This conversation led to some difficult reminders.

– I can transfer Lyme Disease to a spouse, so that rules out getting married.
– If I could get married I have a bigger chance of transferring Lyme Disease to
my children. Which for me, rules that out.
– My symptoms are so numerous I can’t work or have a career that I hoped for.
– I can’t finish college.
– I can’t live on my own. I’m too disabled and need someone to drive me, manage
my doctor appointments, cook for me, wait on me, manage and distribute my
medication and so much more.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a crowd with a target on my back. People around me seem to be doing well. They’re following their dreams and living their lives without anything major going wrong. Sometimes the thought hits me, “Jesus I love you, I always have. So why do more things go wrong in my life than other people’s?? Why do some Christians who believe in you, but don’t follow you have everything going good in their lives??” But then God helps me realize that every time something goes wrong in my life I’m back to relying on the Lord, which is a good thing.

Trials bring me closer to His heart. I reflect more on life through them. Then the Lord can work on my heart in ways that He can’t when I’m busy and things are going well. My difficulties seem to be my mercy. (You can find an article I wrote: “Could My Suffering Be My Mercy?”, https://radicalroad.wordpress.com/2016/05/24/could-my-suffering-be-my-mercy/). They are my mercy because they keep me focused on the most important thing in my life, my relationship with Jesus. It’s not because I’m “Oh so spiritual” but rather because I so desperately need Him!!!

Maybe He sometimes allows bad things to happen to us in order to bring our hearts closer to Him. In order to open our eyes to the things that really are important. Maybe it’s not that we have a target on our back, but a heart that wants the Lord and His ways. … Even if it means going through trials to get there.

Things going wrong in your life doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It doesn’t mean God’s angry at you. It doesn’t mean He’s abandoned you. It doesn’t mean He doesn’t care. Those statements are lies from the enemy. He speaks these things to us knowing it’ll add to our torment.

We have to combat those thoughts with truth.

1. Is it my fault??
No. Having troubles in your life is something Jesus told is would happen. He said ” In this world you will have troubles.”(John 16:33) He didn’t say it was our fault. It was more a statement of living on earth means you’ll have hardship. In Heaven we won’t. But here we will.

2. Is God angry at me??
Even if we disappointed God in some of the decisions we make He doesn’t harbor bitterness or unforgiveness at us. He’s the essence of forgiveness and second chances. When we were at our worst, all of our sins piled up, that’s when He chose to die for us so that He could spend eternity with us. He saw us at our worst and still wanted to be with us. (Romans 5:8)

3. Has God abandoned me??
God never turns His back on us. Even if He’s silent He still there with us, Jesus even told us that. He said, “I am with you ALWAYS even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)

4. God doesn’t care.
This is never true. He cares more than we can imagine. He loves us beyond our comprehension ” perfect love is this, that He lay His life down for His friends.” He laid His life down for you. And that love He has will never fade. Even when you make mistakes, fail, run from Him, ignore Him etc. “No life or death or anything else in all of creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38)

Friends we are on this journey in life together. We may not have met, but there is a love from God that bonds us. I pray as you read this you’re encouraged and realize it’s not all your fault. Even when we feel alone, God is with us.

I’ve just started to post YouTube videos sharing what’s on my heart. You can find them here or search my YouTube username: Radical Road.

If you’d like to follow my personal journey more closely you can find more information at: https://www.facebook.com/RadicalRoad/

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Healing comes in different ways



Life can change in an instant. My life changed 7 months ago when I was raised up from my sick bed and able to walk again. How?? Well, healing comes in different ways. Medicine, prayers, treatment, doctors, miracles… ALL of it is God. All those things are how He is choosing to heal me. The past 3 days I faced the possibility of being back in bed 24/7.

I have a blood/heart condition called POTS. Mine is neurological, one of the most severe cases they know of. Whenever I stood up, or even sat up, I lost all the blood to my brain and passed out. My heart rate would also race to the 180s (which is equivalent to what your heart would do if you were sprinting as fast as you can). This made it so I had to live my life from bed, FLAT on my back. I crawled to the bathroom. Sometimes I could walk with my walker 20ft, but I had to quickly sit or lie on the floor before I passed out. Losing the blood to my brain this frequently did NOT help my brain injury. It flared the symptoms. But after living this way for 4+ years God would change all of that within 2 weeks.

Last summer, June 2017, I was put in the hospital to try a medicine that would be experimental for my condition. After a few days we saw some progress, the blood was pumping better to my brain. The problem was I didn’t feel any better. The symptoms I already had of severe nausea, dizziness, weakness, heaviness, and more, were not going away. I was beyond exhaustion. Just lifting my arms to put a shirt on took SO much out of me!!! That night I broke down crying and praying in my hospital bed, “God you have to help me. I can’t do this. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, I need you.” Very soon after this prayer, God gave me a vision answering my plea. (Trust me, my prayers are not always answered this fast.)   😉

Here I was, curled up in a hospital bed looking like a beat up soldier. I’m crying. I’m desperately wanting to go home. And the Lord gives me a vision: “I saw a long trail created out of the medicine for my POTS. I saw loose (green & white just like my medicine is) capsules piled up a foot deep, and a few feet wide. The trail was a few miles long!! (Imagining how many years of medication this would make up was mind-blowing.) Then I saw the Lord’s hand wave slowly over the trail of medication. As He did this I saw black stuff coming out of the medicine which I knew symbolized the side-effects. Then I saw the capsules turning gold”. I understood this meant that He was blessing the medicine in my body.

The next day something changed. The side-effects were leaving. My body was suddenly adjusting quickly to the huge amount of medication being put in me. It would take months and months of physical therapy to build my body up after 5 years in bed. But after 2 weeks in the hospital I went home sitting up in the van (previously I always laid down on a mattress on the floor so I wouldn’t pass out).

A few days after I got home we had a family get together. When my 4 year old niece, Selah, saw me sitting UP outside (she had only seen me lying down in a dark room) she ran to me saying “Aunt Rachel, are you better??!!” Seeing the excitement, wonder and joy on her face said it all!! As she crawled up on my lap I smiled and answered “Yes, I’m much better. I’m still sick but I’m much better.” Over the next 7 months she would hear me say “Jesus is healing me” many many times. Why?? Because that was the truth :).

Of course my desire is to be miraculously healed and need no medication. But more than that my desire is, “Not my will, but your will be done God.” If His will is to use these meds, then I am so grateful. Over 5 years I’ve had countless people praying for me. I’ve had so many lay hands on me expecting God to heal me right then. I’ve had many tell me if I had more faith I’d be healed. When I heard their words I would break into tears praying, “God I do believe. But I’m so sorry if I don’t have enough faith.” There were days I woke up and my “faith” expected me to get up walk out of bed and have NO symptoms.

But when the symptoms flooded my body like a tsunami, I knew I wasn’t healed.
After years of being sick and trusting God through it I learned a lot. The Lord showed me that the reason I wasn’t healed wasn’t my lack of faith. All it takes is a mustard seed to move a mountain, and I had at least a mustard seed ;). It wasn’t that God was a cruel God that wanted to watch me suffer. NO He showed me how His heart breaks for those of His children that are suffering (which is all of us at some point in life).

Why God wasn’t healing me I didn’t know. I still don’t know the answers to His timing, His will, His ways. What I know is He is faithful to be with me through the struggle. He is faithful to give me grace throughout the day. He is faithful to draw me close into the intimacy of His presence through the suffering. I know God has grown me, changed me, and taken my soul to a depth I don’t think I would’ve experienced without this sickness. For that I am forever grateful. (1 Peter 4:13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.)

A few days ago I found out my insurance hadn’t approved a refill at my specialty pharmacy for this medicine. I run out in a few days. This medicine costs 13k a month!!! It’s not something I can just afford to pay out of pocket. So When my insurance is trying not to pay for this medicine, my mom (who’s my caretaker) and I realize that I may be back to living in bed. It feels like the carpet is ripped out from underneath you right after you learned to stand on it. I told my mom, “Even if it was only 7 months God got me out of bed I’m SO grateful for them.” If the rest of my life is in bed, I’ll treasure these 7 months!!

We asked many of you on my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/RadicalRoad/) to pray. We asked you’d pray for favor with the insurance to approve this medication again at a pharmacy that actually carries it. (Most don’t and then they had to be in-network of my insurance company) After a lot of red tape, phone calls, and prayer, the insurance company has approved the medicine at a new pharmacy and it is being shipped to me as I write this!!

I think sometimes we think that it is either God who miraculously heals us, or it is modern medicine. But often it is God’s will to heal us through modern medicine. Why?? I don’t know. But I’ve seen God heal people miraculously, and I’ve seen Him use medicine. He’s God and He can use whatever He wants. I’m learning to go to God every day and depend on Him and trust His ways whatever they may be.

For those of you that don’t know me, I’m an ambitious go-getter, a dreamer, and passionate about Jesus Christ!! Often I’m so excited and ready to go tell everyone about Jesus that I don’t wait for His Spirit to lead me (bad move lol). This morning my mom was teasing me. She said “If you didn’t need this medicine you’d probably be in India or Africa on the mission-field. And that may not be where God wants you right now. This medicine is God’s bridle to reel you in.” We both started laughing knowing that I can get ahead of myself. I need God to bridle me ;).

God has answered many prayers with modern medicine. He inspired the minds of those scientists and doctors who created the meds out there. He has given knowledge to doctors and nurses so they can use it to heal people. Sometimes God has us pray for someone and they’re healed instantly. Sometimes he answers our prayers through medical treatments.

In John 9 there is the story of Jesus healing a blind man.

Jesus spits on the dirt making some mud, then rubbing the mud on the blind man’s eyes he tells him to go wash off the mud in a pool. The blind man does and he was healed!! Why did Jesus use mud to heal this man when He could have just touched Him and He would have been healed?? Here we see Jesus taking something from the Earth, and touching it so it would heal a man. Just like Jesus has taken something from this world (my medicine) and showed me a vision of Him touching it (turning it gold) and using it to heal me.

I heard of a surgeon, who is a follower of Jesus, who tells his patients, “God is the one who does the healing, I just send the bill” lol. What a great outlook… and sense of humor ;). God is the one that decides how and when our bodies heal. Sometimes it’s instantly, sometimes it’s over years. Sometimes the ultimate healing is what God chooses for us by allowing us to enter into Heaven and be completely healed.

God has CHOSEN to use THIS medicine to control my POTS for the time being. Maybe this will be my whole life. Maybe He will heal me without meds one day. Whatever He does I trust Him because He has reasons I may not understand here on earth, but I trust. Meds or God?? God!! But sometimes He uses meds. Always, He is good :).

Psalm 136:1 “Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever.”

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IMG_1971_5842 copy
How do you even begin to describe desperation?? It’s that yearning and longing so deeply for something that it’s all you can think about. Tonight I had so much severe pain throughout my back, ribs, abdomen and head. I was desperate for relief, for help!! Meds, heat pads, ice packs, nothing seemed to soothe the pain. I was watching a comedy TV series to try and distract my mind from the agonizing pain. But the pain was on the forefront of my mind and I was desperate for help.

When this happens I don’t have eloquent prayers, just “Jesus…help.” I can’t count how many times I prayed that tonight or convey how deeply I meant it. Desperation makes us ready to do almost anything to achieve what we are desperate for. An addict will do things they never thought they’d do to get their next fix. Desperation will make us do things we didn’t expect we’d do. We are desperate for love, approval, success, money, relief, comfort etc.

You see your friends change before your eyes into a different person in order to get what they want. It might be easy to spot with a drug addict, but an addict of any kind whether it be an “approval addict” or “success addict” will slooowly change into something they never wanted to be. Why? Because this silent force called “desperation” drives them.

I’ve been desperate for approval, success, relief, appreciation and other things. What I desired was all I could think about. Why is it we are desperate for many things, but not for Christ?? We might want the Lord but are we DESPERATE for Him??! We are often desperate for His help… I was desperate tonight for His help to end the pain in my body. But what about when His help is giving us the opposite of what we asked for…are we still desperate for His ways??

When you get to the point of desperation there is no room left for pride. You’re at the end of your rope. You’re flat on your face crying out for the thing you need, because the thing you’re yearning for is more important to you than your pride. If we had this type of desperation for Jesus, for a deeper relationship with Him, our lives would look so different.

Tonight I was desperate for God’s hand, for Him to give me what I wanted (relief from pain). I didn’t know why He wouldn’t ease the agony of this searing pain. Hours went by . My dad came in the room and prayed for me and soon after this the pain started easing up. “Thank you Jesus.” I was desperate for physical relief… but how much more important is desperation for spiritual relief, guidance, understanding?!

When I stop seeking God for the things I want fixed, broken relationships, finances, health, and I start seeking His face, my whole life outlook changes. My whole world gets brighter cause God starts changing my heart. He starts guiding me to walk in His ways, to desire what He desires. It’s freeing. I wish I could say I’m always in this place of seeking His face, but I’m not.

I often get distracted with what I want. It’s not wrong to ask God for the things we want, often those things are even good things. But I notice my whole world changes for the better when I seek God, not His hand. “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, then all these things will be added unto you.” Matthew 26:9. I don’t think this scripture means that everything turns out the way we want if we seek God first. I think it means if we seek God and His ways first, then our outlook will be changed on everything else.

One of my favorite stories of Jesus is the paralyzed man and his friends who broke through a roof to get their disabled friend to Jesus They were DESPERATE to get their friend before Jesus. They were willing to break through a roof if that gave him a chance of being healed. What a scene that must have been as someone’s house was being destroyed, things falling around Jesus, pieces flying in the air. And then a paralyzed man being lowered through the roof!!!

After all this Jesus does not go up and just heal the guy. No, Jesus looks deeper into what the man really needed, forgiveness. Jesus looked at Him and did not see the physical struggle on the outside. He looked inward to the man’s spirit. What his spirit needed concerned Jesus more than the physical. So Jesus looks at the man and says “Son, your sins are forgiven.” I can only imagine what the man’s friends were thinking, “After all this work, we traveled far, we lifted this man, we destroyed someone’s house all to get him to you and you’re ignoring his obvious physical need???!!!”

We hear the phrase “God forgives you” a lot these days. But in Jesus’s day you had to obey the law, the Old Testament and sacrifice a lamb in order to receive God’s forgiveness. Only God had the right to forgive your sins, to erase the stain from your heart. So for this teacher to claim He was forgiving this paralyzed man of his sins was quite a scandal!! So much so that the Pharisees are freaking out!!! Jesus can see their countenance change as they are inwardly furious and outraged. He knows they’re thinking that Jesus is blaspheming since “only God can forgive sins.”

I love what Jesus did next… he looks at them and says “which is easier, to say ‘your sins are forgiven’ or ‘get up and walk’? But so that you may believe the son of man can forgive sins…” Jesus stops mid sentence, walks over to the paralyzed man and says “Get up and walk.” And the man stands up and walks!!!! Now everyone knows that Jesus, has the right to forgive sins, which means He is more than a teacher.

This paralyzed man is walking around as a physical reminder of Jesus’s right to forgive sins, and His supernatural power (that healed him physically and spiritually). Jesus did end up healing this guy, but not to end his physical struggle… instead to prove that He was God and had the authority to forgive this man of his sins. Jesus cared deeply about this man. He didn’t want to just put a band aid on the thing that was emotionally distressing him (his paralysis). Instead He wanted to heal the deep wounds in his spirit with forgiveness.

We often seek God for the physical needs, like the paralyzed man. Tonight I was seeking God to take away my physical pain. God looks at us, into our souls and can see what it is we really need (deeper than the physical stuff). He is there to give us what our spirit needs. Comfort, courage, forgiveness, peace. Sometimes what we need is God’s spirit to cleanse our mind from our nasty, mean, negative thoughts. Whatever it is we need God will give us.

We’re human and its good we go to God with our worries and our requests. I just want to be more desperate to chase after Jesus. I want to be so desperate for Him that I’ll give up anything to go deeper with Him. I want my desperation for the Lord to be that quiet, yet strong force that drives me. The thing that changes me to do things I never thought I’d do. Desperation for earthly desires can change us for the negative. But desperation for Jesus Christ will change us into something else, something humble, something wonderful.

Psalm 84: 2 “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.”

Matthew 6: 33 “ But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given you as well.”

Isaiah 26: 9 “My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you.” Mark 2:1-12 (Story of Jesus and the paralyzed man)

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Get Up!

IMG_8361Today, out of nowhere, my vision started to get so splotchy that when I looked in the mirror I couldn’t even tell it was me! Though I’ve made progress with the POTS and Lyme Disease,  the damage caused to my eyesight from the brain injury has gotten worse.  I’m seriously almost blind right now as I write this! When my vision acted up today I thought, “Forget this, I’m not letting it hold me back!! I’m writing an article!!!

I wish I handled every obstacle in life with that attitude, but honestly I don’t. God was showing me today how I’ve let relationships hold me back, beat me up emotionally and affect the way that I see myself. I must recognize that those are lies and that I need to leave those things in the past!! I need to “Get up'” move forward, and thank God that I’ve had Him through all the hardships.

I see how the Lord has given me a “fighter attitude” these past 5 years while being bedridden.  I have looked to God to help me use these obstacles to grow closer to Him.  I have constantly asked Him to bring good out of the trials (Which He was already doing before I asked)! I  decided to choose to see what God was doing  in my trials, and to push through the hardship no matter how much  pain I faced. I  have literally fought  to live and not die.  Yet I realize sometimes,  other trials in life have consumed  my thoughts and emotions. I have at times given into self-pity. I don’t understand why certain people have treated me poorly, or worse – unjustly hurt the people I love. I still don’t understand.

Sometimes, people wonder why I didn’t question “why?” the chronic illness was happening to me. I was only 20 years old when my world started falling apart with that car crash. I didn’t question God or life. I knew I lived in a fallen, imperfect world where disease and hardships happen. I knew I had a God who died on the cross so that He could free us from the hardships of this fallen world and give us a life with Him in Heaven (when this life ends.) Maybe I didn’t question the disease or car crash, but I did question the damaged relationships in my life. Why were they playing out like this??? I suppose it was because people have free will. We get to choose how to treat each other.

There’s a story in the Bible of Jesus raising a little girl from the dead.. The little girl’s father had found Jesus and asked Him to come to their house cause his daughter was sick. The father knew Jesus could help! When Jesus arrived, there were people all around sobbing. The little girl had died…. Or so they thought. When Jesus saw the girl He said she wasn’t dead she was only sleeping. Those who were around mocked Jesus, they didn’t believe Him. So He told them to leave. Once they left, “He took her by the hand and said to her “Talitha koum !”(which means”Little girl, I say to you, get up!).” (Mark 5:41)  To everyone’s amazement she was now healthy and standing.

I think that this story can be used as a metaphor in our lives. Sometimes there is a hardship (like the little girl’s sickness). Her father ran to Jesus, just like we can run to Jesus when something is dying in our own lives. Sometimes what’s dying is our self- esteem, we take rejection as a personal testimony to who we are. Our trial could be anything, losing our job, losing a loved one, losing our house, sickness, money problems, relationship problems etc.  These hardships are not because the universe or God is punishing us. It’s just a hard world we live in where bad things happen.

The people who were sobbing about the little girl’s death can be compared to the thoughts we have that are sobbing, or bringing negative thinking to us. When Jesus said the little girl was not dead, He saw something that no one else could see. Just like when our lives are falling apart God sees that our lives aren’t over or permanently ruined…. He sees hope. There is good in our lives and He can bring beauty out of our hardships. Jesus told the little girl to “arise” (Get up!).  I think God asks us to “Get up” (with His help) but often we curl up in a ball and fall into self-pity.

I realized today that I need to get out of my thoughts of self–pity. I need to leave behind the unanswered questions of “why” and instead I need to “ Get up.” I’m not saying there isn’t a time to grieve, cause grief is healthy. But there comes a time when we put our grief aside and look forward. We  listen to the Lord gently whispering “Your life isn’t over, you’re not dead. Get up, arise.” Maybe what we are beating ourselves up about is mistakes we have made. It’s good to realize we’ve made mistakes, to repent to God, and apologize to those we’ve hurt. But we can’t beat ourselves up forever. We’ve repented to God and now it’s time to let the past be the past and let God guide our steps for the future.

Get up. We don’t want to let our negative thoughts about ourselves, about life, about God, about others destroy us. And those thoughts will destroy us and slowly bring death to our spirits. We can’t do it on our own, we need to ask God for help. ‘Jesus help. I can’t do it without you.” This was my prayer this morning, this is my prayer about every day! 🙂  (Sometimes several times a minute LOL!!). I need Him, I need His thoughts and guidance. His thoughts bring us life.

What does He say about us??? Look to the Bible to see the way God sees you. He loves you, He died for you, He forgives you, He has a plan for you. What about the sickness that is plaguing your family?? God will  be with you. He won’t leave you or forsake you. He Will still use you.

I may not be able to change my vision, (my eyesight.) But I’m not going to fall into the thinking of fear, anxiety, and self pity. I’m gonna get up out of that thinking and still enjoy my day. Today is still “the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.”(Psalm 118:24)

What about the strained relationships… well it’s time to no longer grieve, or take the rejection, or let it change the way I see myself. It’s time to let God help me to “get up” out of that thinking and focus on the good relationships I have. It’s time to see the way God sees me.

I may not be able to change the way these people see me or treat me, but I can change the way I see myself. It’s time not to beat myself up for things I haven’t done… or for things I have done. It’s time to accept God’s forgiveness and to forgive myself.

God is good, loving, and pure. He will be with us through every obstacle. And there is nothing in life, no situation, no mistake we’ve made that will change how much our Heavenly Father loves us.  🙂


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What Now???


Excitement, guilt, fear, amazement, ecstasy, anxiety, joy, excitement, excitement, EXCITEMENT!!!!! These are the emotions I’ve been feeling since I went from being bedridden and in a wheelchair, to my life changing and being able to walk again!!! I may have many symptoms I still deal with from the Lyme Disease, and Brain Injury, but my blood condition, POTS (Postural, Orthostatic, Tachycardia Syndrome) that kept me bedridden is under control :). 5 years ago my life changed in one moment from a car accident. 5 months ago my life changed in a matter of weeks from an experimental treatment done in the hospital for my POTS. I’m on intense medicine that keeps my blood flowing to my head and slows my heart down.

So much has happened in these past few months that it’s hard to put into words. In some ways it seems like yesterday I was bedridden, and in some ways it feels like years ago. Yes, God is absolutely using this new medicine. But the doctors, and physical therapists cannot explain how quickly I’ve been making progress. They say that even with the medicine it’s a “miracle” what is happening.  I’ve seen supernatural signs and wonders when it comes to my healing as well as medicine. I’ve seen my mom lay hands on me and pray and God touched me where my healing started fast-forwarding (and my mom has laid hands on me and prayed probably hundreds of times these past 5 years). But this is God’s timing. I don’t know why, I’m just grateful.

So many people asked why this was happening to me when my chronic illness hit me. But when I started getting better I asked “Why me??” when my dear friends were still facing horrible diseases themselves.  I don’t think I’ll ever have the answers to these questions while I’m here on earth. But even when I don’t understand, I know God is still good, loving and faithful. I know that no matter what happens in life He still loves us and wants to be part of our everyday life. I know that when our lives are falling apart He’ll be there and when we’re rejoicing He’ll be there. He has the answers, and maybe our human  minds are too small to comprehend these answers fully until we get to Heaven.

What can I say to do when your life changes overnight or when it is the same everyday?? It’s the same advice for such different situations. Take it one day at a time. Be in the moment, in today. Mostly to seek God and His guidance for the day. “God help me.” “God show me what to do.” Often my prayer is just one word over and over, “Jesus.” The mighty name of my Savior and my Lord. When you hurt yourself as a child you cry out one word “Mom” and she runs over to help you. When you’re proud of yourself because you’re riding  a bike for the first time you call out one word “Mom” and she knows to smile and rejoice with you. The name Jesus, He knows what to do, He knows what we need in that moment (better than we do).

Whatever season of life we’re in, whether a storm or a season of joy, God will guide us a day at a time. We still go about our everyday responsibilities…  but during work, God might nudge you to reach out to a coworker, and make sure they’re ok. He might show you to go the extra mile for a client. He might use the professor’s lecture to speak to you about something personal. Sometimes He guides us by nudging our hearts, sometimes it comes from a friend speaking a wise word to us. Sometimes it comes through signs, but often it comes through guidance of our Spirits.

I still have several doctors I see on a regular basis. Sometimes they tell me what I should do (or not do) and I know it is wisdom I should listen to (even if I don’t like it). But when I felt a supernatural energy come into my body and God whispered to my Spirit “Run!”… I didn’t care what the doctors said, I ran!!!! I’ve only ran twice in the last 5 months when I felt the Lord nudge me, but it was amazing. Sometimes I know wisdom and guidance from God is to rest. I still have to rest more than the average person because of my health problems.

Often it took so much determination (and grace from God) to go to physical therapy when my body felt soooooo sick. God’s grace, it enables us to do things we can’t do without it. It’s an amazing thing. It doesn’t always give me the energy but it changes my Spirit to have the right attitude to do something. I’m still being treated for mal-absorption, Lyme Disease, and the brain injury. I’m always weighing out what to do with treatment. I’ve come off of certain pain medicines (which is so hard on the body) and been put on new ones. All of it, I just need God’s grace.

My vision is permanently damaged from the brain injury (in the natural). I’m having to learn how to cope and walk when the floor and walls look like they’re moving and shaking (which it looks like 24/7). I still have nerve pain throughout my body 24/7 which I’m also learning to cope with.  It’s not easy and sometimes I still forget to ask God for His grace (which my mom gently reminds me to do). I have to rest and recharge/ recover after outings (like going to the store with my mom or doctors, or a family members house).

My life seems to be a mixture of emotions and physical abilities and disabilities. I couldn’t be happier seeing all of the progress!!! I am so amazed that I can sit in my backyard in the sunshine (which is healing happening in the brain injury for me to be able to stand the sunlight).  I’m amazed I can pick my nieces or nephew up and be confident I won’t drop them because I have strength and control of my arms!!! It’s amazing!!!! But I also feel like I don’t know what I’m doing!!!! I don’t know when to go or to stay, I don’t know how to process all of these emotions. It’s a new dependence on the Lord that I’m learning. I feel like hour by hour I’m looking to Him for guidance. And I’m grateful for that dependence.

Those of you that know me know that I am naturally a very INDEPENDENT person!! These past years I’ve had to learn to be dependent on others. I’ve been learning to be dependent on the Lord…which I’m still not very good at, but I’m learning. It’s something that’s so easy to forget, for all of us. We live in a very independent society, especially here in the US!! We are taught to be independent and self reliant. So learning to be dependent on the Lord is a different train of mind.

 2 Corinthians 12:9-10  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

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Keep Hanging On!


Recently I had  a friend send me a carabiner (the tool that helps rock climbers’ ropes stay connected to their harnesses) and a note that said, “Take this and keep hanging on. Praying for you.” It was another message of encouragement God sent my way and now I want to send your way.

“Keep hanging on” is a message so many of us who are facing difficulties in life need to hear. Those of you who know me or have read my past articles know that I have been battling Chronic Lyme Disease, POTS (Postural, Orthostatic, Tachycardia Syndrome) and a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) for over 4 years. I’m bedridden, battle constant nerve pain throughout my body, vision problems, motor skill loss, and a number of other symptoms. Your trial may not be a physical illness, or maybe it is, but I want to encourage you wherever you’re at in life not to give up, keep breathing, keep asking God to help you through the day, and keep hanging on!!

God gave me a vision that I relate to, and I think you might as well.

The Rock Climber:

I saw a rock climber on the side of a mountain, she was only a few feet away from the top, and very high up. It had been a long journey. She started with a group of people, both men and women, but lost everyone along the way. She was the last climber to survive, and was weary. Her legs had given out and were dangling– leaving the climber with only her arms holding her body up. Unfortunately the climber lost grip with her right arm and only the left arm was holding her entire body weight. She felt as if she didn’t have enough strength in one arm to pull herself up. There was a part of her that just wanted to just let go and be done with this exhausting climb.

As the climber pondered whether she should let go and be done with it, or keep holding on, I saw Jesus come to the ledge of the mountain and kneel down. He was glowing with light though I could not see His face. Here He is, the King of the Universe, yet He thought nothing of lowering Himself down on bended knee to get closer to the climber. Then the rock climber appeared as a man instead of a woman (Representing this vision is applicable to all of God’s children, both men and women.) The climber then looked at Jesus and without saying anything asked Jesus for help. Jesus,  could see the cry for help in his eyes. The climber was so worn out, and his eyes had lost hope. He didn’t believe that he had the strength to keep climbing. The fact is he actually didn’t have the strength to keep climbing. But the man looked at Jesus with a helpless cry in his eyes and asked Jesus to pull him up.

 Jesus extended His hand down. The climber swings his body with all his might towards Christ. He had to let go with the one hand that was holding on in order to reach Christ’s hand. So he did  and grabbed onto Jesus’ hand. Jesus is now holding the climber’s entire body with one hand.

This climber’s entire countenance has changed. He’s dangling over thousands of feet, but relieved and at rest because he knows God is holding him up and God will never let go. The climber keeps changing from a man to a woman in this vision, again representing this applies to both men and women. They’re safer than they’ve ever been. Jesus pulled the climber up and into His arms. They look like a child in size compared to how big the Lord is. The climbers throw themselves into Christ’s arms. They are safe, they are in Jesus’ arms.

I often feel like that rock climber hanging off the ledge of a cliff. Sometimes I’m not sure if I have the strength to get through another 5 minutes let alone another few hours when my pain is so high, or my body is so weak I can’t move. Maybe it sounds like the “right thing to say” or a cliché when I say that; “The only thing that has given me strength to keep hanging on is Jesus.” But I am being honest when I say that.   I know God doesn’t just fix things. He doesn’t always take away our trials. He doesn’t always do what we ask Him to do. I know that well. But I also know that when I’ve asked him for help with desperation pouring out of my soul I’ve seen Jesus reach that hand down to me and help pull me up the mountain just like He did for the rock climber.

His hand reaches down and helps me in ways I don’t expect. Sometimes when I’m in pain and I ask Him for help I notice that within the next few hours (or minutes) the pain becomes more bearable. Sometimes my symptoms DON’T change, but my HEART DOES. I go from being hopeless to being at peace. Sometimes I have more strength to push through the symptoms. Sometimes He has somebody reach out and give me encouragement. Sometimes He reminds me of a Scripture or a song that puts my soul at ease. He doesn’t always answer the way I want (which is to completely heal me so that I can get out of bed and never experience another symptom again). But He does answer.  I feel humbled that the God of the Universe would listen to my cry and give me whatever it is I need (even if it’s not what I asked for).

Now we all know that a good parent doesn’t always give their child everything they ever ask for. Why?? Cause the parent knows better than the child. They know what will happen if they give the child what they ask for, and the end result may not be a good thing in the long run. The parent knows what the child needs. I don’t know the reasons why God doesn’t just take away our trials, but I know there ARE reasons bigger than we can imagine. Even when He doesn’t give us what we ask for, it doesn’t mean He is numb to our pain. It hurts Him when He sees our suffering.

Recently I’ve had the privilege of meeting a new friend who’s name is Jordy. Jordy is suffering and I believe it hurts God to see Jordy’s pain. But something beautiful I see in Jordy’s suffering is that even though he is going through his own trial he still reaches out to me with kindness and encourages me to keep going. He is the one who sent me the carabiner and the note I mentioned in the beginning of this article. He is like that rock climber who is hanging from the ledge, but he chooses to keep hanging on.

A few years ago Jordy was in a skiing accident which resulted in him hitting his head and acquiring a severe TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). Ever since that day Jordy’s life has never been the same. His vision has never been the same… yet I imagine he probably sees things he never saw before (I mean seeing the world different, and gaining understanding and compassion).

He cannot handle any light. And even the dimmest light will cause brain pain, sickness, confusion, and a host of other symptoms. He’s basically a blind man, but on top of that any light causes Jordy much discomfort. He lives in a dark room. No TV or social media. Visits with friends have to be short. He can’t talk on the phone without paying for it physically, and he faces a lot of other symptoms. Though his life is hard, he knows what it means to “Keep Hanging on”.

I greatly admire his strength and perseverance. I imagine he doesn’t feel like much of an inspiration cause he knows his own struggles. He probably doesn’t feel that strong and he probably doesn’t want to keep persevering… but he does. That’s what we all must choose to do. Even when we don’t feel strong, and we don’t want to persevere, we need to push through. Be like the rock climber that does not give up, but looks up to God for help.

When we stop relying on our own strength and ask Jesus to hold us up it changes our world. That’s what happened in the story of David and Goliath, David looked to God’s strength and he defeated the giant.  (1 Samuel : 17). There was a war between the Israelites and the Philistines. Finally it came down to a battle that everyone would watch between two men. So the Philistines sent their undefeated, strongest warrior out there, Goliath. He was over nine feet tall and his very appearance pierced fear into the hearts of the Israelites. But one young boy (we think he was around twelve) with no battle experience ended up volunteering to fight this giant.

David was NOT a soldier and had not been fighting this war. He was a shepherd boy. Three of his older brothers were soldiers who had been fighting this war. The only reason David ended up in the battle camp is because his father sent him with food for his brothers. How many of us end up in situations that we never imagined would happen to us??  I never imagined I’d be bedridden and chronically ill. Sometimes we end up in these battle camps and all we can see is the giant in front of us, or the cliff we are hanging off of. But Jesus told us that,  “With God all things are possible.” Mat 19:26

David was younger and physically weaker than the rest of the soldiers. But he knew that though he was weaker than the rest, His God was strong!!

2 Corinthians 12:9  But he said to me, “My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

As David went towards Goliath he cried out, “You come against me with sword and spear, but I come against you in the name of the Lord.” David defeated Goliath with a sling shot. There’s no way he could of done this, but God was with Him, and anointed Him so he could defeat the giant. God will do the same for you and me, in our weakness His power is able to help us stand against our giants. His power will reach down to us when we are hanging off a mountain and pull us up into His arms.  David chose to hang onto God and that’s why this story has become inspiring and famous. God can do the same with us if we keep hanging onto Him.

Don’t let go and fall off the cliff. Don’t listen to the discouraging thoughts that constantly come to your head. Instead think about the times God has been there for you and believe that He’ll be there for you through this journey, because He will. Keep hanging onto the Lord, keep hanging on in the storm, keep hanging onto your humanity, keep hanging on when you want to give up.

Romans 5:3-5: “Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

I’m reminded of a song by Avril Lavigne called “Keep Holding On.” It’s not a Christian song but I think of the lyrics as words God says to us.  So I’ll end with these lyrics, I hope they can encourage you like they encourage me. As always I am praying for you all and the struggles you’re facing. If you want to follow my articles you can subscribe to this blog. If you want to follow my personal health journey you can like my facebook page “Rachel’s Radical Road” at: facebook.com/radicalroad


Keep Holding On- Lyrics

You’re not alone
Together we stand
I’ll be by your side
You know I’ll take your hand
When it gets cold

And it feels like the end
There’s no place to go
You know I won’t give in
No, I won’t give in

Keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through
We’ll make it through
Just stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you
I’m here for you

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Your Trial, Your Platform

rachel-caneRecently I saw a family friend and he said something that I didn’t expect to hear. Something that deeply encouraged me. Here I am in a wheelchair, disabled, bedridden, in constant pain, and I barely leave my house… I barely leave my dark quiet room (because of my sickness). Well this friend looked at me with teared-up eyes and said ” You have NO idea how many people God is using you to touch.” I started crying when he said this. Often our trials ARE our platform to be a light to others.

Several months after my car accident when I was very sick and in bed, God was putting on my heart others who are suffering with chronic illness. I kept wanting to “Get on with my life so I could reach people.” But sometime between then and now God helped me see that this wasn’t a bump in the road. This was not something I needed to hurry up and get past so I could get on with my journey and help others. This WAS part of my journey. This was what He was using to help others. How can my bedridden existence help encourage others?? There is only one answer and that is “God.”

Only He can take our trials and use them to encourage others. He can take your trial too and use you to be a light to others. He doesn’t need you to get past this trial so you can help others. He just needs you to look to Him and let Him teach you and change you THROUGH your trial. And that will be used as a light to others :).

How many of you at one time in your life “wanted to make a difference” and “wanted to make the world a better place”??? How many of you wanted to make your imprint on the world and didn’t want your life to go wasted?? Now you’re stuck in the normal ins and outs of everyday life. You’re in a tough situation. Different trials have arisen whether it be financial problems, sickness, strained relationships, a bad marriage, a heartbreaking breakup, foreclosure, death of a loved one and so many other trials out there that I didn’t even mention.

Life didn’t turn out as rosy as you thought it would when you were a kid. Life is difficult, and constantly has stress and different heartbreaks you never expected to face. Some of you didn’t have an easy childhood and because of that you weren’t even able to dream of making a good life for yourself one day. You faced the bitter hardship life can bring at a young age and you’ve always expected that life would bring one bad thing after the next. Well whether you were the “idealistic dreamer”, or the “heartbroken kid”, there is something we all have in common, YOU CAN make a difference in whatever situation you are in right now. God can bring beauty from your hardship that you’re currently facing.

I always had a heart to help people, even as a young child. My parents moved our family of 5 kids to India when I was 6 years old to do missionary work over there. They had planned on staying there the rest of their lives but due to persecution from the Hindus towards Christians, my parents had to pack us up and flee in the middle of the night back to America (another story for another time). I’m sure watching my parents give up everything to reach the poor and needy in India is part of what gave me this heart to help people at a young age. I was taught “God first, Family second, and ministry (reaching out to those that need help) third.

I was in middle school when we fled India and came back to the U.S. with nothing. It was a heartbreaking time for our family, but God healed us and we took it a day at a time. Eventually I adjusted to my new life in America. I continued to see my parents try and reach out to others, and always looking to do missionary work again. But God didn’t take us back on the mission field. He had planted us in America for the time being.

I wanted to be a missionary in China when I “grew up”. I wanted to start orphanages around the world. I also had a heart to reach my own people. I wanted to help the struggling teenagers here in the U.S. Once I went to college I had a plan to get my doctorate in Psychology to become a Counselor. I wanted to start teen centers to help teens who were struggling. I dreamed of starting these centers here in the U.S. and eventually around the world. I still had a heart for orphans and wanted to work with orphanages around the world too. I was a dreamer, a BIG dreamer with a big heart. But all my dreams came crashing down my Senior year of college when I was in a car accident that resulted in a severe traumatic brain injury.

I was half blind, needed help to walk (because my equilibrium was damaged from the brain injury) and I was in constant, severe pain throughout my body. I had difficulty finding words, I was always nauseous. My sensitivity to light made it feel painful to my brain. So I stayed in a dark room. Instead of bouncing back from this concussion (as I expected) I continued to get worse and a multitude of other symptoms arose as the months passed. I later found out that I had Chronic Lyme Disease (a debilitating and sometimes deathly disease). And then arose another condition called P.O.T.S. (Postural Orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) which makes me pass out if I stand for more than a few minutes. All these things together have kept me bedridden for over 4 years now. My dreams crashed down when someone crashed into my car…. and my life has been forever changed!!

I’m a major extrovert, meeting new people is exciting and energizing to me. I love people,.. I even loved “customer service” even though everyone I talked to hated it, So it has been a BIG change for me when my ailments caused me to be in a dark quiet room. For the most part I was secluded from people.  My family and friends would come to visit me here and there and they still do. I live with my parents and my brother (but my dad travels for work and my brother is often, gone so it is usually me and my mom at home alone together).

It is very difficult to leave my house due to my vision, light sensitivity, pain, noise sensitivity etc. Whenever I do leave the house (which is mainly for doctors appointments) my symptoms always go through the roof when I get home. I pay for hours or days. But something crazy and unexpected came out of these past 4 years. Something that only God could do through my sick, secluded life. I couldn’t look at a computer screen, it was extremely hard to try and text with my vision. So my mom took over my communication for me on my phone and computer. She would post for me and read me my comments and messages.

Through this time I did what I knew to do, I clung to the Lord and His strength and grace for each day. Since I was alone in the dark and quiet most of the time, I had a lot of time to talk to God. He had a lot of time to show me things in my heart that I didn’t even know were there. Bitterness, unforgiveness, hurt, etc. Because I was flat on my back alone spending time talking to God He was able to show me things and change my heart.  He was able to humble me and cleanse my heart. He was growing me in so many areas… areas that without this tragedy would have taken me years and years to learn.

I remember people would question “why aren’t you angry at God??”. They were perplexed and would say things like “you were such a nice person and you loved God and lived for Him so why would He let this happen to you??” I was perplexed at their question, To me I had lost everything except for my walk with God.  Everything good in my life was taken away, all my dreams were shattered and my body was in agony, but the only good thing that had happened to me through all of it was God being by my side and giving me strength through it. God was with me and I never doubted that He wasn’t. I knew he was a loving, faithful God. I loved Him. He was the MOST important part of my life before the accident. I had lost my job, my school, my ability to leave the house, my vision, and I was in horrible pain. But to me the thing I most prized I hadn’t lost, and that was my relationship with God.

Why would I be angry at Him when he was standing with me through this whole ordeal?? Why would I be angry at Him when I knew that no matter what was taken from me in life, the one thing that can never be taken from me is Jesus. Being angry at Him was a waste of time and he didn’t deserve it. I don’t look down on or judge those that are angry with God. And if you currently are angry at God I’m not trying to correct you or make you feel bad about that. God understands when we are angry. And if you are angry with Him tell Him, talk to Him about it. David talked to God in the Psalms about how angry he was or how he felt abandoned. God can take it.

I’m just saying that for me, I had decided that no matter what, I wasn’t going to be angry at God because I knew His character, I knew His love, and I knew He hurt watching me go through this. I knew He wouldn’t leave me no matter what. I knew He would help me through my trial. I knew bad things happened on this earth. Fleeing India, my home, at such a young age opened my eyes to see that bad thing happen in this world. It also opened my eyes to see that God would help you through them.

Here I am secluded from people more than ever in my life, in my own trial, not reaching out to others, barely getting through the day health wise. But during this time God surprised me!! All of a sudden I started having people, from close friends, to acquaintances write me and say “ God is using you to inspire and encourage me. “ So many people started reaching out to me and saying God had used my story in their life, or how my constant faith touched them. I was amazed because I wasn’t doing ANYTHING.

I wasn’t reaching out to people. I was barely even seeing people. How could this be ministering to others???!!! I wasn’t doing anything but holding onto my faith, and letting God use this trial to grow me. To me this shows that it WASN’T me, it was GOD that was reaching people. He was the one touching their hearts. He wasn’t having me reach out to others. But somehow He was getting my story out there and somehow HE was using it to encourage others. He amazes me still to this day, because He can use ANYTHING in your life to touch others. Even when you’re not trying.. and so the main message I want to encourage you with in this article is this,

  1. God can use YOUR life RIGHT now. No matter how boring it seems, or how difficult it is, God can use you to make a difference in the world around you. Maybe it won’t be in the way you dreamed of, but God’s way is always better than our way.
  2. The MAIN thing God can use in your life right now to reach others may be the opposite of what you expect. It’s not necessarily for you to reach out to others, it’s for you to reach up to God.

Spend time with God.  Ask God to humble you and convict you of whatever He sees in your life that He wants to change. It IS humbling as He shows you the ugly things you are not aware are in your heart.  Ask Him to teach you lessons and purify your heart in the situation you are currently in. If you do these things God will use you as a light to others without you even trying. Because it’s not you, it’s God who is using you.

I’m NOT saying you shouldn’t ever reach out to others. That is not my message in this article. Of course you should reach out to others as God puts it on your heart and as HE leads you. What I’m saying is that what is more important than reaching out to others, what should be your main concern is, YOUR walk with God.

The people you’re most often used to reach are the people you live with and work with. The people who see you most every day. I see less people on a daily basis than most of you. I live with my parents and younger brother. Though I couldn’t reach out to others I felt like God put on my heart the desire to do whatever I could to be kind, encouraging, and uplifting to my family that I lived with. No matter how bad the pain gets or how frustrated I am with my illness, I try not to take it out on them.  If the only difference you make is in the people around you, that is a big difference. That IS making a difference in the world around you :).

When we walk through the fires of life God can use them to burn out the dirt within us and purify our hearts. It’s not a onetime thing. Everyday I’m seeking God about the sin, hurt, and frustrations in my own heart. I’m asking Him to heal me, to grow me, and to humble me. It’s a journey of God changing us. But if we allow God to burn out the ugliness in our hearts THROUGH our trials, He can use our trials to be our platforms.

I realize that if I wasn’t sick I wouldn’t have the platform I have to speak into hurting people’s lives. I don’t believe God caused my sickness. But I do believe He IS the one who can use it to be my platform… A platform I would not have without the struggle and agony I’ve suffered with these past 4 years. When I see how God is using it, I thank Him for giving me this platform. It’s a gift He is trusting me with and I feel honored about that. Your trial may be different than mine but God too can give you a platform to be a light that you wouldn’t have without your trial.

I have a friend who has been in a difficult marriage for years. But they’re pressing in with the Lord and seeking Jesus to change them and grow them. This friend is just living their life and has had several hardships rise up. They probably have no idea that me seeing them change and grow and become kinder and more humble, is a light to me and I’m sure to many around them. Their trial has become their platform because they have chosen to press into God during the hard times. And God is using them within their trials to be a light.

You don’t know the light that shines in you when you’re seeking God and asking Him to humble and change you. You have no idea how you can be a positive influence in the people you see on a daily basis, just by showing them love and respect.

Bloom where you’re planted, and God can use it in ways you can’t imagine :). God will use your trial as your platform, if you let Him.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.




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